I just can’t help it. My tears won’t stop. It wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried to close my eyes. It wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried not to think about it. It wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried to keep myself busy.
My tears would just stop when there are people around. It was easier to smile when there were someone watching you. It was easier to fool myself that I’m happy when I’m in the middle of a crowd.
Sometimes I do think that I’m wearing this smiling mask to spread happiness when deep inside me, something from deep within my core is missing. Maybe it started when my mother died. Maybe not. Maybe it was me all along. Maybe I was destined for this misery to balance out other’s happiness.
My past will always haunt me. I don’t want to talk or write about my past because it cannot be changed anymore. As much as I wanted to live in the present, people around me wouldn’t just let it go. That is why it’s hard for me to do so even when I know I should.
I do know that I was leading myself to destruction. I acknowledged the signs. I was not happy. I felt useless. I was doing something that slowly was taking every ounce of confidence in myself away at every single passing minute. I knew that I could do better if only I were given the chance. I know I’m not meant to memorize things and forget about them the next week. I know that it’s not what studying is, at least for me. I was looking for some sort of mental stimulation.
But they won’t give me the freedom to just write. My parents cannot accept that their daughter with the bright future would I would ever get bad grades. I decided to just stop studying and save up to pursue writing. They felt as if I was committing the biggest mistake of my life, that I did not try my best. Ironically though, I consider it one of my greatest achievements. I finally stood up for something I’m interested in, something that makes me feel alive.
At some point, I felt as if the hardest part of living is that you will have no body to state what your life goal is. You will have no body who will govern your life and still make you feel happy. You will have nobody but yourself to blame when you are not happy with your life. You hold the key to driving your life. You don’t take courses on how to swerve. You will just learn them when you need to. I did when I almost took my life.
Just as when I thought that giving up on my dreams will make everybody happy but myself, I received a message from a person who I never met (or will never meet because he’s from the other side of the world) telling me that he was proud of me. There went my unstoppable tears again but this time, they were of relief.
And I’m glad that every thing is in the past tense now.
Honestly as a writer, I don’t want to talk about the time I broke down and got nothing to do but to hug myself. Sorry for my vague descriptions. I want express myself through writing but sometimes, I express more than I should. Or could. This is different from other entries but I do hope that this would add up to my unheard of screams for more empathy in this world. I would never get enough of it. You’ll never know how a smile can mean to someone. You never know how a tap on the shoulder can save a life.