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Something I don’t want to talk about


I just can’t help it. My tears won’t stop. It wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried to close my eyes. It wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried not to think about it. It wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried to keep myself busy.

My tears would just stop when there are people around. It was easier to smile when there were someone watching you. It was easier to fool myself that I’m happy when I’m in the middle of a crowd.

Sometimes I do think that I’m wearing this smiling mask to spread happiness when deep inside me, something from deep within my core is missing. Maybe it started when my mother died. Maybe not. Maybe it was me all along. Maybe I was destined for this misery to balance out other’s happiness.

My past will always haunt me. I don’t want to talk or write about my past because it cannot be changed anymore. As much as I wanted to live in the present, people around me wouldn’t just let it go. That is why it’s hard for me to do so even when I know I should.

I do know that I was leading myself to destruction. I acknowledged the signs. I was not happy. I felt useless. I was doing something that slowly was taking every ounce of confidence in myself away at every single passing minute. I knew that I could do better if only I were given the chance. I know I’m not meant to memorize things and forget about them the next week. I know that it’s not what studying is, at least for me. I was looking for some sort of mental stimulation.

But they won’t give me the freedom to just write. My parents cannot accept that their daughter with the bright future would I would ever get bad grades. I decided to just stop studying and save up to pursue writing. They felt as if I was committing the biggest mistake of my life, that I did not try my best. Ironically though, I consider it one of my greatest achievements. I finally stood up for something I’m interested in, something that makes me feel alive.

At some point, I felt as if the hardest part of living is that you will have no body to state what your life goal is. You will have no body who will govern your life and still make you feel happy. You will have nobody but yourself to blame when you are not happy with your life. You hold the key to driving your life. You don’t take courses on how to swerve. You will just learn them when you need to. I did when I almost took my life.

Just as when I thought that giving up on my dreams will make everybody happy but myself, I received a message from a person who I never met (or will never meet because he’s from the other side of the world) telling me that he was proud of me. There went my unstoppable tears again but this time, they were of relief.

And I’m glad that every thing is in the past tense now.

Always,
– Cristina

Honestly as a writer, I don’t want to talk about the time I broke down and got nothing to do but to hug myself. Sorry for my vague descriptions. I want express myself through writing but sometimes, I express more than I should. Or could. This is different from other entries but I do hope that this would add up to my unheard of screams for more empathy in this world. I would never get enough of it. You’ll never know how a smile can mean to someone. You never know how a tap on the shoulder can save a life.

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Pain


Sometimes, people misunderstand you for something and then press you down. Don’t worry.

What goes around comes around; what goes up must come down.
Karma has its own set of times.
It may appear so much later on but that’s just how we must attain equilibrium.
At this very second, what appears to be one of my down times might be someone’s best of times.
It is quite a relief to understand that.

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People may say the sharpest of words at times but I just want my pencils sharpened. /sarcasm

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Luck


Sunny evening

This morning, I feel genuinely lucky waking up on a sunny day, drinking a crystal-clear glass of water, breathing clean air, and having my clothes clean so easy. Well, not everyone is this lucky. Life is so easy (or so much easier compared to others).

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Many are always complaining about what doesn’t work. We can see very well that tiny red dot of ink on the pure white piece of cloth, but not realize how clean majority of it still is. It’s more easy focusing on what’s wrong.

Heavy Traffic at Buenos Aires (pano)

On times, traffic may be really heavy that you want to scream, “I am late for this important event even though I woke up so early not to.” Have you asked why is it so? There may be a road accident somewhere near but have you took time to rejoice that you aren’t hurt, that you are still breathing, that it can easily be you who got injured or died? You are lucky, you just didn’t realize it. Every thing, even the smallest one contribute to a cause-effect system we live in. There are incidences when the big surprising things are hidden in the smallest of things we can’t see.

I take this time to thank God, or this bigger Persona that keeps me breathing. I take this time to pause and be glad even with the tiniest details.  I take this time to appreciate life and how precious it is. It is pure luck that I got born instead of another one, considering millions of other probabilities in the first place.

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Feel better about yourself in six ways


As a person, looking and feeling beautiful is essential. My stress levels rise to infinite levels when I don’t feel comfortable with myself. Let’s face it: We can’t function that well when we feel ugly. Feel that way no more! Here are six steps to feel better about yourself:

  1. Always, always, always try to start your day with a smile. A great day roots back from a great morning. Try to be positive even though every thing’s giving you a reason to frown. Shun the negatives ’cause today is another chance to improve, to change, to laugh, to cry, and to live.
  2. Look in the mirror. Do you see a good person? No? Why then? A lot of times, all we see in ourselves are our insecurities: the bad and the ugly. We get too caught up with what we watch on TV, or what we can see on the ads as what beauty is supposed to be like. We tend to forget that nobody is perfect and that those we always see are mere illusions of improved reality.
  3. Do you know someone beautiful who believes she’s ugly? Sometimes we are deceived by our own inner critique. Accept compliments. It takes an effort to open one’s mouth and actually say it. It must be something really moving for them to do so. Smile and take grace with what others see beautiful in you.
  4. Did someone told you that you’re not good enough? Well, think about it but don’t let it ruin you. As much as you should accept compliments, you should listen to your critics as well. They can give you hints on what you need to improve on. But please, do know that not all are accurate. Sometimes, they are just plain rubbish. Know what to ignore and what to listen to.
  5. Try to be kinder even with small ways. Try to be more patient while waiting on-line. Try to say thank you to the person serving you your meal. Try to smile at the guard upon entering a place. Knowing that you are making someone’s life a teeny bit lighter will boost your inner measure of self’s worth.
  6. Dress to kill. Well, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you should follow every single trend. Wear what you feel comfortable and beautiful in. Fashion could be costly but style costs nothing. It doesn’t hurt to know the basics of dressing up and down. As you walk every step of the way, your clothes will make you shine.


For a month now, I’ve been an active member of Mode Pieces, an organization that focusses on events relevant to fashion for everyone. Our org, with the special participation of the Taytay Municipal Govt. will present “Dazzling Catwalk” on 14th October 2012, Sunday at the SM City Taytay Event Center. This fashion show will feature designer creations plus Ready-to-Wear clothes from the garments capital of the country.

Will you wish to attend, drop a comment with your whole name and contact number, or DM me your details @iCollectPencils on Twitter.

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where you should be


walking, going to somewhere I don’t know

  “It doesn’t matter how slowly you go-so long as you do not stop.”

-Confucius

 

People want to do great things but don’t manage to accomplish them. Why? ‘Cause they got tired and stopped. Completely. And never returned to the climb. Small steps might require a little effort and mean nothing at a certain time but they can make a great difference in the future. Those efforts when put together, can be summed up and equal to one’s success. Never grow tired of what you love. Your heart will lead you to the right places on the right time. The only thing one should be quitting is their desire to just quit. Or the burdens one keep at the journey.

Stop what you don’t want to do. Continue going to where your heart leads you. It is the place where you should be.

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