walkin' on sunshine

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A bittersweet thank you – a letter


I don’t know if this letter will ever reach you but you’ll know exactly that this is written for you once you read it. I kind of hope that you will, at least. If you won’t, then I won’t feel bad about it. Right now, I just want to express how I feel about you, nah, I genuinely want to express how I feel about us and how we fell apart.

Well, I’d rather not express my side of our this story alone. I don’t want others to see my side of things and judge you just because of this short piece of electronic junk. I’d want them to hear from you too but that’s quite impossible. Given that even I can’t hear from you anymore. I don’t know where you are, how you are doing, and most of all, who you think of most of the time. I do think of you. A lot. And I want to just wrap my arms around you and say not a word.

Whenever I talk about you, I always get the “you really are a writer” remark. Why? Just so you know, you tend to sound fictitious. Or am I just so enchanted by how we met? You made me believe that reality could be better than fiction. Well, at least, I know now that reality is far greater than what my imagination could reach.

We would have passed as bestfriends. I’ve never met someone so different yet so relatable. We would talk on the phone from twilight till dawn even though we’ll meet anyways. We could even talk about not having anything to talk about! You would sing melodies that penetrate deep into my heart even on ordinary days. I’ve always thought that we should stay together.


How could I miss the signs of trouble? Even my friends warned me about you. I didn’t listen because whenever I hear the sound of your voice, every single doubt just fades away. I was slowly drowning with every word and every beat of the songs you sang. I assumed that they were supposed to be sincere.

Logic was my thing. How have you made me believe that the right person at the wrong time could still equate into something positive? I was lost, so lost at what you said that night before everything fell apart. You promised. I forgot that promises are meant to be broken.

And now my heart is broken.

Regrets, regrets. Sometimes I wish that I would have never met you.

Time heals all wounds,” that’s what they always say. I saw you lately. I didn’t know if you catched a glimpse of me though. You were all alone or is it that whenever I see you everything at the background just blurs out? My heart’s into this weird Accelerando again.

I suddenly realized that today, as I am gradually building my life up, you might have been the right person in the past but I just have to keep moving forward. You are the one that got away and that I won’t let myself want you back.

I won’t point my fingers at you. I ruined my life. You may have been part of the chain but I am the one who let you to do so. I just can’t help but think of all the good things that was and smile. I haven’t wasted my time with you. All the time one wastes smiling is not wasted time at all. Well, unless you are into drugs.

Moving on is not easy. I know that it goes with everybody. You just can’t play with people’s feelings. You just can’t wake up and declare that you have long gone and are seeing the sun again. You can’t skip learning how to dance under the heavy rain without the protection of an umbrella. A wound will never heal if it’s always covered with a band-aid.

I have learned to hold on to you. I’m selfish. I’m not as kind as how the everyone might think I am. It’s like donating your favorite clothes to charity. You may survive without them but you’ll never forget the memories of how great they made you feel.

I’m letting myself loathe over what happened tonight. I’m letting this feeling eat me up so that when I flash smiles tomorrow morning, those would be genuine and not ones full of regrets. I wouldn’t want to rewrite the past because I’d learn that in this life, regrets will just destroy me. What I can do now is live in the present and carry lesser baggage in the future.

Before I wrap this pointless letter up, I’d like to thank you. Thank you for your last words, “you’re too nice for me.” Thank you for inspiring me to be nicer and let people know that the world may not be as bad as they thought it is. You’d inspired me to smile more, ironic isn’t it? You broke my heart to help me build myself again. For those things, I applaud you.





posted as a reply to:


An Ideal Friend

For many, the perfect friend would be someone who you can tell everything to, who will listen to you every time, who will be available whenever you need him/her, who would stand up with you even when the whole world is against you, who will pick you up whenever you are down, who will celebrate with you whenever you are up and who, most importantly will accept you for who you are.

Not for me.

An ideal friend is someone who has a different point of view, who would listen to me every time but would tell me what she thinks afterwards, who will tell you that he/she also has a life to attend to and will break his/her schedule only if it is really important, who would slap me in the face if I am totally wrong and tell me why others also think so, who will go to McDonald’s or Dairy Queen with me (not minding her diet) when I’m down, who will celebrate ordinary days with me, and most importantly may not accept every flaw I have but still stays because the friendship itself is important.

Friends are someone who have a totally different brain from another person or group of people but still manages to click and stay with each other through ups and downs. They wouldn’t tolerate you if you’ve done anything wrong but would do so with compassion. They may hurt you but they only would if it is for your own good. They would find time on their busy schedule just to talk to you but they wouldn’t compromise something really important to them if you are just playing around. They have their own goals and know the importance of their own lives.

A relationship needs truth to work out. It needs two or more different persons with sanity enough for them not to lose themselves in the process of getting in touch with other people. I don’t need someone who will always say yes to everything; I need someone who will speak the truth for me in everything. What is a friend if you expect him/her to act like a robot anyways? What is the essence of human contact if all you are looking for is comfort in everything? How would you grow in a hedonistic friendship in this imperfect world? A scar from a friend is more acceptable than words of comfort from an enemy hiding in sheep’s clothing.

What are you looking for in a friend?


P.S.I’ve posted my cover on Gone Too soon by Simple Plan for my Mum. You can listen to it by clicking this.

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