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Something I don’t want to talk about


I just can’t help it. My tears won’t stop. It wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried to close my eyes. It wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried not to think about it. It wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried to keep myself busy.

My tears would just stop when there are people around. It was easier to smile when there were someone watching you. It was easier to fool myself that I’m happy when I’m in the middle of a crowd.

Sometimes I do think that I’m wearing this smiling mask to spread happiness when deep inside me, something from deep within my core is missing. Maybe it started when my mother died. Maybe not. Maybe it was me all along. Maybe I was destined for this misery to balance out other’s happiness.

My past will always haunt me. I don’t want to talk or write about my past because it cannot be changed anymore. As much as I wanted to live in the present, people around me wouldn’t just let it go. That is why it’s hard for me to do so even when I know I should.

I do know that I was leading myself to destruction. I acknowledged the signs. I was not happy. I felt useless. I was doing something that slowly was taking every ounce of confidence in myself away at every single passing minute. I knew that I could do better if only I were given the chance. I know I’m not meant to memorize things and forget about them the next week. I know that it’s not what studying is, at least for me. I was looking for some sort of mental stimulation.

But they won’t give me the freedom to just write. My parents cannot accept that their daughter with the bright future would I would ever get bad grades. I decided to just stop studying and save up to pursue writing. They felt as if I was committing the biggest mistake of my life, that I did not try my best. Ironically though, I consider it one of my greatest achievements. I finally stood up for something I’m interested in, something that makes me feel alive.

At some point, I felt as if the hardest part of living is that you will have no body to state what your life goal is. You will have no body who will govern your life and still make you feel happy. You will have nobody but yourself to blame when you are not happy with your life. You hold the key to driving your life. You don’t take courses on how to swerve. You will just learn them when you need to. I did when I almost took my life.

Just as when I thought that giving up on my dreams will make everybody happy but myself, I received a message from a person who I never met (or will never meet because he’s from the other side of the world) telling me that he was proud of me. There went my unstoppable tears again but this time, they were of relief.

And I’m glad that every thing is in the past tense now.

Always,
– Cristina

Honestly as a writer, I don’t want to talk about the time I broke down and got nothing to do but to hug myself. Sorry for my vague descriptions. I want express myself through writing but sometimes, I express more than I should. Or could. This is different from other entries but I do hope that this would add up to my unheard of screams for more empathy in this world. I would never get enough of it. You’ll never know how a smile can mean to someone. You never know how a tap on the shoulder can save a life.

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Diamonds, Stars, Graphite and Us


Diamonds

Diamonds are originally coal deposits underground. Coals are soft, brittle and fragile but having undergone a lot of heat and pressure, it slowly evolved into the second hardest stone on Earth, diamonds.

We may feel a lot of pain and confusion at certain points in our lives that we may consider giving it all up but look at those shiny, clear and beautiful jewels considered as the Girl’s Best Friend. They are sourced out of dark dirty things, undergone the toughest of times but eventually ended up into something magnificent, pure and precious.

As a child, I used to be silent and cried about almost anything. Maybe because all is served to me, there is nothing I can’t get in exchange for some tears. Then my mother died. We suffered financially because she is the one who’s running our family business. I lost my perfect life with my perfect friends. It was so frustrating. Back then, I don’t know if I am crying because I miss my mother, or because I miss my “perfect” life.

I transferred to a public school. I hated it at first, given all my prejudices. Then, I met a girl named Sarah. She is so adorable, funny and expressive. We jived together even though our personalities are miles apart. I learned to be more expressive, to give full efforts than to cry on what I can’t have, to expand my horizons by having real conversations with people, and to be genuine. After losing my life jacket, I was introduced into what real world is. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, braver, bolder, better.

In this 10-second exposure photo, facing south...

Stars shine so bright in the night sky. Even though light pollution might hinder our human eyes to see them, they are still there illuminating and inspiring those in the dark. They are not just beautiful to look at. The Sun is a yellow star and it sustains us with its light and warmth but that’s not all – it even makes us feel happier. Who even enjoys dark heavy rains? It is a possibility but not considered a norm. Well, I enjoy dancing in the middle of the rain if that considered as a weird act.

Want to know a secret? When all stars die after having fully consumed its burning essence, they explode, showering humongous areas with stardust. Stardust is composed of carbons. Diamonds are of pure carbon particles, even us humans are of the same element (directly from stardust). Diamonds are not our best friend – we really are diamonds in the sky literally and figuratively.

Every part of our body is an after-product of a celestial jewel, we all have the potential of being someone special. We don’t need Pixie Dust to be able to do something great because we ourselves are of Stardust. We don’t have to try so hard and wait for some fairy godmother to wave her wand and make our lives better. We don’t need extra magic in our lives because we ourselves are magical.

Aside from diamonds and humans, there is this matter composed of pure carbons, the origin of those precious stones: coal or graphite. Graphite is at the lead of our pencils. They are cheap and ordinary, they even leave dark traces if touched uncovered. What is in graphite then that is so special? Its texture. They are black dirty things that we cover them with wood to keep our hands clean while writing.

coal 2

The average lifespan of humans nowadays is around 70 years. It may appear as long or short a time depending on how you see it. The only question is, “have you left your mark on people you crossed paths with?” We all will die soon but our legacy will continue to spread by words of mouth generations after generations.

Do you vividly remember someone who did a random act of kindness to you? I do.

  1. I remember that moment when it was so rainy and I haven’t brought an umbrella so I ran through the rain. After some time, it stopped raining. It took me a moment to realize that it didn’t, but someone held his umbrella and decided to share it with me.
  2. I remember that moment when I was so sad, I wanted to cry but I am not letting the tears run down because I’m in a public place. Then upon entering a mall, the security guard greeted me with full smiles, a good morning.
  3. I remember that guy who offered me his seat on the train when I was so tired, I can’t even stand straight.
  4. I remember that friend who offered me her arms to squeeze tight and her shoulders to cry on.

How do you want to be remembered? You can be someone special. Have you ever done something extra to be extraordinary? Look at Steve Jobs, a college dropout who started Apple at a small garage. We are directly linked to brilliant wonders. Believe you can shine.

Pixie dust :)

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STOP


 

Nothing in this world is dull. Every thing, even a tiny stone on the side of the road has its own story.

At times, we tend to forget to stop, look at our surroundings, and appreciate its beauty just because we are so busy with our own walks of life. We want to be good in something. We don’t stop to find a meaning, some deeper sense to our lives. What we don’t always realize is that it’s everywhere. The essence of our lives surrounds us, ready to punch us straight to the face just to get our attention.

Do you realize that the time you wake up, you just received the great blessing of a new beginning? You are blessed another 24 hours to live your life and do something.

Smile more and see the sunshine in the midst of life’s storms. Every waking hour and every step you take can lead you to the place you want to be in. Hey, people’s lives, in my own point of view, doesn’t rely on how many things you’ve accomplished but by how you played the rules and by how you journeyed through it.

Since when have you last stopped for a while, took a deep breath, and see things you haven’t noticed before on the places you’ve always been in? Try it. Sometimes, life’s greatest discoveries are surrounding you all the time, you just didn’t pay attention at it that much.


Heya! This is Princessyoko. Sorry for being inactive for some time. Am just taking my small steps and keeping myself busy building up some fragments of my life.
For the time being, I’m excited to update you the soonest. I’ll post about this new organization I got affiliated to recently on my next post.
Always,
@matsukiyoko

 

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