walkin' on sunshine

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I’m Back (with an overanalysis)


I want to write about a lot of subjects, emotions, and scenes that even I don’t know how to start and mix them in a way that others will not see me as a nerd, or someone sweating about the boring stuff in life. Sometimes I kept pushing myself be better liked, only to realize that I’m killing myself in the process. Even though I am definitely who I am, I have the slightest hint of who I am, or who I ever will be.

And that is the problem.

It feels as if this life is a constant cycle of trial and errors and if you are gonna ask a math nerd like me, it’s a waste of time. How I wish that there will be a certain formula, a certain graph that will help me know what I am really like. It’s one of the greatest ironies of life, if you ask me. I wanted to know about me more. I can’t seem to figure out who I am, or where am I supposed to be.

Does it show how a control freak I am at some point? Is it that I always take time to find order on every mess I always faced? Is it that I always tend to look for something beautiful in something even though reality slaps me with something so ugly? Is it that I’m too insecure that I won’t ever admit something I despise just to fit in?

I am the epitome of the clichéd introvert who is trying to be more like an extrovert from day one. Is it always healthy to get out of one’s shell? Needless to say, I am fully aware that world’s advances were made by those who risked it all.

Do I risk putting myself out there by sharing more, and by staying true to myself who even I have the slightest hint of? Even if it is not of my nature? I know there are more serious world problems but how would we solve them if we won’t face the frustrations we have from within?

How can someone who don’t fit in share something? Will it help? Will it get noticed? I feel both powerful and vulnerable when I write. That is why I put my pen down for a while and slowly killed my voice, myself, and my future. After months of trying to figure out answers, I just felt the need to write, and here I am now, back to where my heart definitely is.

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A bittersweet thank you – a letter


Hey.

I don’t know if this letter will ever reach you but you’ll know exactly that this is written for you once you read it. I kind of hope that you will, at least. If you won’t, then I won’t feel bad about it. Right now, I just want to express how I feel about you, nah, I genuinely want to express how I feel about us and how we fell apart.

Well, I’d rather not express my side of our this story alone. I don’t want others to see my side of things and judge you just because of this short piece of electronic junk. I’d want them to hear from you too but that’s quite impossible. Given that even I can’t hear from you anymore. I don’t know where you are, how you are doing, and most of all, who you think of most of the time. I do think of you. A lot. And I want to just wrap my arms around you and say not a word.

Whenever I talk about you, I always get the “you really are a writer” remark. Why? Just so you know, you tend to sound fictitious. Or am I just so enchanted by how we met? You made me believe that reality could be better than fiction. Well, at least, I know now that reality is far greater than what my imagination could reach.

We would have passed as bestfriends. I’ve never met someone so different yet so relatable. We would talk on the phone from twilight till dawn even though we’ll meet anyways. We could even talk about not having anything to talk about! You would sing melodies that penetrate deep into my heart even on ordinary days. I’ve always thought that we should stay together.

BUT I WAS WRONG.

How could I miss the signs of trouble? Even my friends warned me about you. I didn’t listen because whenever I hear the sound of your voice, every single doubt just fades away. I was slowly drowning with every word and every beat of the songs you sang. I assumed that they were supposed to be sincere.

Logic was my thing. How have you made me believe that the right person at the wrong time could still equate into something positive? I was lost, so lost at what you said that night before everything fell apart. You promised. I forgot that promises are meant to be broken.

And now my heart is broken.

Regrets, regrets. Sometimes I wish that I would have never met you.

Time heals all wounds,” that’s what they always say. I saw you lately. I didn’t know if you catched a glimpse of me though. You were all alone or is it that whenever I see you everything at the background just blurs out? My heart’s into this weird Accelerando again.

I suddenly realized that today, as I am gradually building my life up, you might have been the right person in the past but I just have to keep moving forward. You are the one that got away and that I won’t let myself want you back.

I won’t point my fingers at you. I ruined my life. You may have been part of the chain but I am the one who let you to do so. I just can’t help but think of all the good things that was and smile. I haven’t wasted my time with you. All the time one wastes smiling is not wasted time at all. Well, unless you are into drugs.

Moving on is not easy. I know that it goes with everybody. You just can’t play with people’s feelings. You just can’t wake up and declare that you have long gone and are seeing the sun again. You can’t skip learning how to dance under the heavy rain without the protection of an umbrella. A wound will never heal if it’s always covered with a band-aid.

I have learned to hold on to you. I’m selfish. I’m not as kind as how the everyone might think I am. It’s like donating your favorite clothes to charity. You may survive without them but you’ll never forget the memories of how great they made you feel.

I’m letting myself loathe over what happened tonight. I’m letting this feeling eat me up so that when I flash smiles tomorrow morning, those would be genuine and not ones full of regrets. I wouldn’t want to rewrite the past because I’d learn that in this life, regrets will just destroy me. What I can do now is live in the present and carry lesser baggage in the future.

Before I wrap this pointless letter up, I’d like to thank you. Thank you for your last words, “you’re too nice for me.” Thank you for inspiring me to be nicer and let people know that the world may not be as bad as they thought it is. You’d inspired me to smile more, ironic isn’t it? You broke my heart to help me build myself again. For those things, I applaud you.

Sincerely,
Cristina

 

:)

🙂

posted as a reply to:
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/09/06/daily-prompt-turning-point/

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4th Anniversary Post(?)


it's been 4 bloody years!

I honestly don’t know if I should write about my 4th year anniversary here in WordPress. It’s not like I actively post stuff.

It all started with a requirement in Business English, an elective I took when I was in high school. Miss Dajalos forced us to post about our lessons on her subject in wp. Being the frustrated writer that I was, I happily complied. My heart nearly exploded when she gave me an A.

After a while, I realized that I could write about various topics other than my lessons. I don’t even know I was blogging. I was so young and immature then, doing something even though I didn’t know what it’s called.

Time passed so fast, I started alwaysasunnyday to celebrate my newfound optimism and deleted the three-year-old princessyoko. Princessyoko had been a nice small place in the web but it didn’t match the new “me”. Now, I regret ever deleting the page. Even though the author of Princessyoko and I may appear so different, it was still me.

Moving on from my regrets, I wanna thank all of my 798 followers (if i still have them) for not giving up on me. I write to express but I also write to serve my readers. You had been my source of inspiration for pursuing writing.

Can you believe it? I reviewed my hit counter and to my surprise, since January 2012, I garnered 12, 345 (such a cute number) views. I always feel sad whenever people ask me about my blog because they always look disappointed at my lack of updates. I feel the same way. Which made me think…

Why not post away? Why not just post anything to let my readers know I’m still breathing?

It’s been four bloody years. I may not be the same pessimist I used to be but I wanted to celebrate this day to commemorate the fast passage of time.

Will I update more? Perhaps. Well of course, yes! Stay tuned for more happy stuff!

Always,
– Cristina

P.S.

Some updates:

  • I’ve started pursuing writing as a career now. It’s hard, yes, but I always have these bunch of people who believe more in myself than I do.
  • I’m out of school for now. I don’t have the guts to tell everybody so, I think it’s best that they read about it. One thing that I wanted to clarify: I love school. And I will be back for sure. A person with the love of discovering new things will never stop to learn in and out of an academic institution, anyways.
  • I’m starting to play the drums, thanks to Alyanna.
  • A couple of things more I can’t tell you about but you’ll read about them soon enough.
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Pain


Sometimes, people misunderstand you for something and then press you down. Don’t worry.

What goes around comes around; what goes up must come down.
Karma has its own set of times.
It may appear so much later on but that’s just how we must attain equilibrium.
At this very second, what appears to be one of my down times might be someone’s best of times.
It is quite a relief to understand that.

Image

People may say the sharpest of words at times but I just want my pencils sharpened. /sarcasm

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Diamonds, Stars, Graphite and Us


Diamonds

Diamonds are originally coal deposits underground. Coals are soft, brittle and fragile but having undergone a lot of heat and pressure, it slowly evolved into the second hardest stone on Earth, diamonds.

We may feel a lot of pain and confusion at certain points in our lives that we may consider giving it all up but look at those shiny, clear and beautiful jewels considered as the Girl’s Best Friend. They are sourced out of dark dirty things, undergone the toughest of times but eventually ended up into something magnificent, pure and precious.

As a child, I used to be silent and cried about almost anything. Maybe because all is served to me, there is nothing I can’t get in exchange for some tears. Then my mother died. We suffered financially because she is the one who’s running our family business. I lost my perfect life with my perfect friends. It was so frustrating. Back then, I don’t know if I am crying because I miss my mother, or because I miss my “perfect” life.

I transferred to a public school. I hated it at first, given all my prejudices. Then, I met a girl named Sarah. She is so adorable, funny and expressive. We jived together even though our personalities are miles apart. I learned to be more expressive, to give full efforts than to cry on what I can’t have, to expand my horizons by having real conversations with people, and to be genuine. After losing my life jacket, I was introduced into what real world is. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, braver, bolder, better.

In this 10-second exposure photo, facing south...

Stars shine so bright in the night sky. Even though light pollution might hinder our human eyes to see them, they are still there illuminating and inspiring those in the dark. They are not just beautiful to look at. The Sun is a yellow star and it sustains us with its light and warmth but that’s not all – it even makes us feel happier. Who even enjoys dark heavy rains? It is a possibility but not considered a norm. Well, I enjoy dancing in the middle of the rain if that considered as a weird act.

Want to know a secret? When all stars die after having fully consumed its burning essence, they explode, showering humongous areas with stardust. Stardust is composed of carbons. Diamonds are of pure carbon particles, even us humans are of the same element (directly from stardust). Diamonds are not our best friend – we really are diamonds in the sky literally and figuratively.

Every part of our body is an after-product of a celestial jewel, we all have the potential of being someone special. We don’t need Pixie Dust to be able to do something great because we ourselves are of Stardust. We don’t have to try so hard and wait for some fairy godmother to wave her wand and make our lives better. We don’t need extra magic in our lives because we ourselves are magical.

Aside from diamonds and humans, there is this matter composed of pure carbons, the origin of those precious stones: coal or graphite. Graphite is at the lead of our pencils. They are cheap and ordinary, they even leave dark traces if touched uncovered. What is in graphite then that is so special? Its texture. They are black dirty things that we cover them with wood to keep our hands clean while writing.

coal 2

The average lifespan of humans nowadays is around 70 years. It may appear as long or short a time depending on how you see it. The only question is, “have you left your mark on people you crossed paths with?” We all will die soon but our legacy will continue to spread by words of mouth generations after generations.

Do you vividly remember someone who did a random act of kindness to you? I do.

  1. I remember that moment when it was so rainy and I haven’t brought an umbrella so I ran through the rain. After some time, it stopped raining. It took me a moment to realize that it didn’t, but someone held his umbrella and decided to share it with me.
  2. I remember that moment when I was so sad, I wanted to cry but I am not letting the tears run down because I’m in a public place. Then upon entering a mall, the security guard greeted me with full smiles, a good morning.
  3. I remember that guy who offered me his seat on the train when I was so tired, I can’t even stand straight.
  4. I remember that friend who offered me her arms to squeeze tight and her shoulders to cry on.

How do you want to be remembered? You can be someone special. Have you ever done something extra to be extraordinary? Look at Steve Jobs, a college dropout who started Apple at a small garage. We are directly linked to brilliant wonders. Believe you can shine.

Pixie dust :)

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