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Current Feels from a Heartbroken Soul


You were patient… So patient that you were able to break all the high and thick walls I have built around the center of my inner self – my heart.

It was so hard to believe that what was happening that time was real. Like how can you meet someone at a gig, someone who will look at you straight in the eye while performing, someone who is so scared of losing contact with you that one night you both have sang songs in a language you both don’t even speak fluently.

Like how can someone wait eight months for me to notice him?

At this point in time when a lot of things can be acquired and lost in an instant, when a lot of questions can be answered by typing on your smart phone’s keyboard or by asking Siri or simply saying “okay Google,” just how? How can that be not serious? How can that be fake? Like how?

You started to open up and shared your past. I saw how strong you are and how beautiful your deep scars made you. You are broken: that made you so exotic and I just can’t help but marvel at how such a beautiful soul can be enclosed in such a flawed body. There are parts of you that are severely broken.

I wanted to somehow make a difference. I always have believed that if you really want something, as long a you give the best of you and persevered enough, your efforts won’t be wasted.  It doesn’t always have to be  recognized, but it will still be worth it.

Because it was your best.

Because you wanted it so much.

Because you cannot deny that you love what you were doing.

I wanted to fix you, but I didn’t realize that it only will break me in the process until now.

They warned me about you but who cares, right? I know that you will never really will know a person unless you find out yourself. There are just too much prejudice and hate in the world, and I’m not one to buy this cheap culture. I believed you.

You are different, special, extraordinary. There’s this rush, this feeling like a kid entrusted with a map and a key to a hidden treasure box. You were my treasure and you were great enough to make me feel satisfied on days when I feel like giving up on all the drama this world has.

Oh, how I have fantasized about being with you every single day, growing old in our humble home. I don’t care wherever that is as long as you were there.

Ah, how I have thought of how wonderful my name will sound good once it got amended with your surname.

Andd, how our child will feel on my arms once I see him/her crying for the first time. What relief that will be after bearing our own child, taking care of him/her in my womb, wishing all the best for our child, the fruit of our love, the combination of God’s signature on our bodies: our DNA, our own footprint.

How wonderful will it be to work so hard for our family, for our child’s comfort, and most importantly for God’s glory?

However, all those carefully built plans seem to have been blown away by the devil and suddenly turned to ashes. How can I see the future now with this clouded vision?

I am lost, yet I was found.

It is painful. That afternoon you said goodbye was like a dream. I mean, how can you be so in love for a second then quickly turn around and leave? How? How can you just suddenly use the verb “love” in the past tense when referring to me?

Because I love you.

I still do.

And it hurts.

A friend told me that it really is hard to find sincere people nowadays that it really is practical to build adobe walls around one’s heart. While this is a sound and fair advice from a deeply concerned person, I just know I can’t do it. Why do I have to be unfair with possibly the right person by making it hard to reach me? No. It wasn’t his fault that what happened between us just wasn’t meant to last.

You are just a lesson now, a reminder that everyone makes promises with the best intentions, but only the few who keep them are people of integrity. I cannot hide my heart like I did to you before. It was unfair, and will never be fair for you or for anybody.

All the more, I am guarding my fickle heart not to dread and to crave your presence as I know all too well that you might promise another time. Each promise you break will only be additional fuel to hate on you.

The ironic part is that after everything that happened, I am surprised at how I can’t hate you. I can’t imagine myself hating you. It was not your fault that you have found someone else who might fit you better.

I’m just relieved that I now got past that stage when I was rewinding every single conflict we had, how I must just have agreed with you instead of firing our heated conversations. No, I don’t want to change it now. They happened for a reason. I might not grasp it perfectly now, but someday I will know why this didn’t worked out and never will soon enough.

I just hope and pray that you will be happy because you deserve to be. Well, we both deserve to enjoy life, even if it meant that I need to be single for longer than the 21 years I already was .

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A Child Lost in the Adult World


You know what’s ironic? No matter how I tell myself that things will change, there will always be those things that will be constant.

I have grown a lot, been through a lot, but still, I am me. I always have had a crush on my past self as she tend to think so differently. She is assertive, in love with arts, with expression, with inspiring others, with giving, with God.

I miss her.

Well, Karen from Notsalmon.com said that the first forty years of childhood is the hardest. I just realized that I’m the same child pretending for the longest time to have grown up as I age.

Given that, there’s no point in missing my past self because she’s right here, speaking to me. She may look different on the mirror, but she is still me.

I’m happy to have kept this blog because reading how the past me felt and thought of made me realize that I’m still the same kid living in the “adult world” I have dreamt about.

She had suicidal thoughts, time travel fantasies, overwhelming dreams, and most of all, a positive mind. She reminded me that being sad is okay. She isn’t perfect, but she had hope.

It’s like, the old me made all of the right and even the wrong decisions to make me better. All the more, I know that God is there, guiding me through the process.

I was lost, I may be lost again in the future, but He will always lead me back to Him. That, I am sure of. I am His princess, the prodigal daughter.

But that doesn’t mean that I should be lazy now. This inspires me to do better, not only for my past self, but for God’s plans. I want to embrace the future He is penning and saving up for me.

My life isn’t perfect, or may not be in this lifetime, but why should I be depressed of all that’s missing when there’s just too much to appreciate?

My post STOP made me sit for a moment and realize that I was looking too ahead of the future. All of those long-term plans, my future, my dream job, my life.

I forgot to breathe for a moment and appreciate all the mysteries behind the things I took for granted. It’s hard to live in the “adult world”. It’s just as hard to fit in.

However, I know that I’ll be fine. Life can be heartbreaking and complicated at times but I have God, and that’s all the guidance I need.

All the best.

Kind regards,

Cristina v 21.6.15
07:11 PM
18 August 2015

This dysmenorrhea is killing me. Cheers to being a woman, Ria.

This dysmenorrhea is killing me. Cheers to being a woman, Ria.

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Why do I love black? Let me count the ways.


I’m not a fan of trends. I don’t like to wear clothes that almost every one you see on the streets will wear. I think it comes with me, not wanting to conform with the norms, of me not wanting to blend in and lose my voice in the process. I feel as if I’m betraying myself, as if I’m trying to replicate Barbie and her plastic commercial smiles.

I’m not saying that trends are bad. There is a reason many would like to follow one. Or not. You might think that I think like an old woman but some trends just don’t make sense to me. Some of them would be Gangnam Style, Harlem Shaking, Owling, and Planking. If the next trend would be thinking, then it would save the earth a lot of trouble.

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Moving on, I do believe that one should dress for themselves, wear the clothes that make them feel perfect.  You don’t want to represent someone you’re not. If you feel confident about expressing yourself through your clothing, then you don’t have to worry about leaving false impressions on others. Besides, personality makes 60% of the outfit. You may be wearing the best outfit ever but if you don’t feel confident about it, your 40% advantage wouldn’t be that much.

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Everyday is a dress up day. I don’t wanna meet my prince charming/mortal enemy wearing something I’m not confident in. I feel comfortable when I wear black. It goes with my strange taste on music too, I guess. Or is it that I tend to find beauty in contrasts? I love bringing color to people’s lives that I prefer to represent myself as a shadow.

Aside from staying true to myself, one thing that I love to do with clothing is taking risks. Yes, style rules will take you a long way but defying these restrictions won’t mean that you will end up looking like a fool. Trust your instincts. Play. Have fun. It will make what you wear unique and waaay more interesting.

I’d like to leave you with one quote. I don’t remember its exact wording, even the one who said it but I believe that it’s still worth sharing.

“Fashion is expensive but style will take you everywhere.”

 

Always,
– Cristina

——

Anyways, here I am with my unorganized thoughts again. Please bear with me. I hardly had slept last night. My bed’s been calling me all day long. Two shots of latte made me at least stay functioning.

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4th Anniversary Post(?)


it's been 4 bloody years!

I honestly don’t know if I should write about my 4th year anniversary here in WordPress. It’s not like I actively post stuff.

It all started with a requirement in Business English, an elective I took when I was in high school. Miss Dajalos forced us to post about our lessons on her subject in wp. Being the frustrated writer that I was, I happily complied. My heart nearly exploded when she gave me an A.

After a while, I realized that I could write about various topics other than my lessons. I don’t even know I was blogging. I was so young and immature then, doing something even though I didn’t know what it’s called.

Time passed so fast, I started alwaysasunnyday to celebrate my newfound optimism and deleted the three-year-old princessyoko. Princessyoko had been a nice small place in the web but it didn’t match the new “me”. Now, I regret ever deleting the page. Even though the author of Princessyoko and I may appear so different, it was still me.

Moving on from my regrets, I wanna thank all of my 798 followers (if i still have them) for not giving up on me. I write to express but I also write to serve my readers. You had been my source of inspiration for pursuing writing.

Can you believe it? I reviewed my hit counter and to my surprise, since January 2012, I garnered 12, 345 (such a cute number) views. I always feel sad whenever people ask me about my blog because they always look disappointed at my lack of updates. I feel the same way. Which made me think…

Why not post away? Why not just post anything to let my readers know I’m still breathing?

It’s been four bloody years. I may not be the same pessimist I used to be but I wanted to celebrate this day to commemorate the fast passage of time.

Will I update more? Perhaps. Well of course, yes! Stay tuned for more happy stuff!

Always,
– Cristina

P.S.

Some updates:

  • I’ve started pursuing writing as a career now. It’s hard, yes, but I always have these bunch of people who believe more in myself than I do.
  • I’m out of school for now. I don’t have the guts to tell everybody so, I think it’s best that they read about it. One thing that I wanted to clarify: I love school. And I will be back for sure. A person with the love of discovering new things will never stop to learn in and out of an academic institution, anyways.
  • I’m starting to play the drums, thanks to Alyanna.
  • A couple of things more I can’t tell you about but you’ll read about them soon enough.
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Pain


Sometimes, people misunderstand you for something and then press you down. Don’t worry.

What goes around comes around; what goes up must come down.
Karma has its own set of times.
It may appear so much later on but that’s just how we must attain equilibrium.
At this very second, what appears to be one of my down times might be someone’s best of times.
It is quite a relief to understand that.

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People may say the sharpest of words at times but I just want my pencils sharpened. /sarcasm

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