I want to write about a lot of subjects, emotions, and scenes that even I don’t know how to start and mix them in a way that others will not see me as a nerd, or someone sweating about the boring stuff in life. Sometimes I kept pushing myself be better liked, only to realize that I’m killing myself in the process. Even though I am definitely who I am, I have the slightest hint of who I am, or who I ever will be.
And that is the problem.
It feels as if this life is a constant cycle of trial and errors and if you are gonna ask a math nerd like me, it’s a waste of time. How I wish that there will be a certain formula, a certain graph that will help me know what I am really like. It’s one of the greatest ironies of life, if you ask me. I wanted to know about me more. I can’t seem to figure out who I am, or where am I supposed to be.
Does it show how a control freak I am at some point? Is it that I always take time to find order on every mess I always faced? Is it that I always tend to look for something beautiful in something even though reality slaps me with something so ugly? Is it that I’m too insecure that I won’t ever admit something I despise just to fit in?
I am the epitome of the clichéd introvert who is trying to be more like an extrovert from day one. Is it always healthy to get out of one’s shell? Needless to say, I am fully aware that world’s advances were made by those who risked it all.
Do I risk putting myself out there by sharing more, and by staying true to myself who even I have the slightest hint of? Even if it is not of my nature? I know there are more serious world problems but how would we solve them if we won’t face the frustrations we have from within?
How can someone who don’t fit in share something? Will it help? Will it get noticed? I feel both powerful and vulnerable when I write. That is why I put my pen down for a while and slowly killed my voice, myself, and my future. After months of trying to figure out answers, I just felt the need to write, and here I am now, back to where my heart definitely is.