walkin' on sunshine

whoa~! v(^u^)v

I’m Back (with an overanalysis)


I want to write about a lot of subjects, emotions, and scenes that even I don’t know how to start and mix them in a way that others will not see me as a nerd, or someone sweating about the boring stuff in life. Sometimes I kept pushing myself be better liked, only to realize that I’m killing myself in the process. Even though I am definitely who I am, I have the slightest hint of who I am, or who I ever will be.

And that is the problem.

It feels as if this life is a constant cycle of trial and errors and if you are gonna ask a math nerd like me, it’s a waste of time. How I wish that there will be a certain formula, a certain graph that will help me know what I am really like. It’s one of the greatest ironies of life, if you ask me. I wanted to know about me more. I can’t seem to figure out who I am, or where am I supposed to be.

Does it show how a control freak I am at some point? Is it that I always take time to find order on every mess I always faced? Is it that I always tend to look for something beautiful in something even though reality slaps me with something so ugly? Is it that I’m too insecure that I won’t ever admit something I despise just to fit in?

I am the epitome of the clichéd introvert who is trying to be more like an extrovert from day one. Is it always healthy to get out of one’s shell? Needless to say, I am fully aware that world’s advances were made by those who risked it all.

Do I risk putting myself out there by sharing more, and by staying true to myself who even I have the slightest hint of? Even if it is not of my nature? I know there are more serious world problems but how would we solve them if we won’t face the frustrations we have from within?

How can someone who don’t fit in share something? Will it help? Will it get noticed? I feel both powerful and vulnerable when I write. That is why I put my pen down for a while and slowly killed my voice, myself, and my future. After months of trying to figure out answers, I just felt the need to write, and here I am now, back to where my heart definitely is.

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Something I don’t want to talk about


I just can’t help it. My tears won’t stop. It wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried to close my eyes. It wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried not to think about it. It wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried to keep myself busy.

My tears would just stop when there are people around. It was easier to smile when there were someone watching you. It was easier to fool myself that I’m happy when I’m in the middle of a crowd.

Sometimes I do think that I’m wearing this smiling mask to spread happiness when deep inside me, something from deep within my core is missing. Maybe it started when my mother died. Maybe not. Maybe it was me all along. Maybe I was destined for this misery to balance out other’s happiness.

My past will always haunt me. I don’t want to talk or write about my past because it cannot be changed anymore. As much as I wanted to live in the present, people around me wouldn’t just let it go. That is why it’s hard for me to do so even when I know I should.

I do know that I was leading myself to destruction. I acknowledged the signs. I was not happy. I felt useless. I was doing something that slowly was taking every ounce of confidence in myself away at every single passing minute. I knew that I could do better if only I were given the chance. I know I’m not meant to memorize things and forget about them the next week. I know that it’s not what studying is, at least for me. I was looking for some sort of mental stimulation.

But they won’t give me the freedom to just write. My parents cannot accept that their daughter with the bright future would I would ever get bad grades. I decided to just stop studying and save up to pursue writing. They felt as if I was committing the biggest mistake of my life, that I did not try my best. Ironically though, I consider it one of my greatest achievements. I finally stood up for something I’m interested in, something that makes me feel alive.

At some point, I felt as if the hardest part of living is that you will have no body to state what your life goal is. You will have no body who will govern your life and still make you feel happy. You will have nobody but yourself to blame when you are not happy with your life. You hold the key to driving your life. You don’t take courses on how to swerve. You will just learn them when you need to. I did when I almost took my life.

Just as when I thought that giving up on my dreams will make everybody happy but myself, I received a message from a person who I never met (or will never meet because he’s from the other side of the world) telling me that he was proud of me. There went my unstoppable tears again but this time, they were of relief.

And I’m glad that every thing is in the past tense now.

Always,
– Cristina

Honestly as a writer, I don’t want to talk about the time I broke down and got nothing to do but to hug myself. Sorry for my vague descriptions. I want express myself through writing but sometimes, I express more than I should. Or could. This is different from other entries but I do hope that this would add up to my unheard of screams for more empathy in this world. I would never get enough of it. You’ll never know how a smile can mean to someone. You never know how a tap on the shoulder can save a life.

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4th Anniversary Post(?)


it's been 4 bloody years!

I honestly don’t know if I should write about my 4th year anniversary here in WordPress. It’s not like I actively post stuff.

It all started with a requirement in Business English, an elective I took when I was in high school. Miss Dajalos forced us to post about our lessons on her subject in wp. Being the frustrated writer that I was, I happily complied. My heart nearly exploded when she gave me an A.

After a while, I realized that I could write about various topics other than my lessons. I don’t even know I was blogging. I was so young and immature then, doing something even though I didn’t know what it’s called.

Time passed so fast, I started alwaysasunnyday to celebrate my newfound optimism and deleted the three-year-old princessyoko. Princessyoko had been a nice small place in the web but it didn’t match the new “me”. Now, I regret ever deleting the page. Even though the author of Princessyoko and I may appear so different, it was still me.

Moving on from my regrets, I wanna thank all of my 798 followers (if i still have them) for not giving up on me. I write to express but I also write to serve my readers. You had been my source of inspiration for pursuing writing.

Can you believe it? I reviewed my hit counter and to my surprise, since January 2012, I garnered 12, 345 (such a cute number) views. I always feel sad whenever people ask me about my blog because they always look disappointed at my lack of updates. I feel the same way. Which made me think…

Why not post away? Why not just post anything to let my readers know I’m still breathing?

It’s been four bloody years. I may not be the same pessimist I used to be but I wanted to celebrate this day to commemorate the fast passage of time.

Will I update more? Perhaps. Well of course, yes! Stay tuned for more happy stuff!

Always,
– Cristina

P.S.

Some updates:

  • I’ve started pursuing writing as a career now. It’s hard, yes, but I always have these bunch of people who believe more in myself than I do.
  • I’m out of school for now. I don’t have the guts to tell everybody so, I think it’s best that they read about it. One thing that I wanted to clarify: I love school. And I will be back for sure. A person with the love of discovering new things will never stop to learn in and out of an academic institution, anyways.
  • I’m starting to play the drums, thanks to Alyanna.
  • A couple of things more I can’t tell you about but you’ll read about them soon enough.
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Pain


Sometimes, people misunderstand you for something and then press you down. Don’t worry.

What goes around comes around; what goes up must come down.
Karma has its own set of times.
It may appear so much later on but that’s just how we must attain equilibrium.
At this very second, what appears to be one of my down times might be someone’s best of times.
It is quite a relief to understand that.

Image

People may say the sharpest of words at times but I just want my pencils sharpened. /sarcasm

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Below Sea Level


Anime, manga, cosplay, the kawaii culture, the busy shopping, the spectacular jdorama scene, jpop, picturesque scenery – who doesn’t love even a bit of those? I started falling in love.

Okay, so there are bad sides of Japan too like bullying, super dense population, busy working days, the rise of the “new poor” and some other Japanese people customs that I don’t get at all. It’s quite a complicated thing but my interest didn’t wither. I wanted to know more and what better way to be exposed to culture than learn their language!

I started learning Japanese when I was fourteen. I learned fast. It’s totally surprising how big my progress was. At 16, I can write sentences in their writing system (only simple Kanji), I can construct quite complex sentences, only they are all in the formal format. I can speak quite fluently, all thanks to my cousin, Ani-chan who thought me how to read and other grammar-related stuff. Mastery level*: around 25%.

When I entered college, our curriculum offers Foreign Language (FoLa), and obviously, I picked Japanese. It’s refreshing to learn in a more organized manner, a new atmosphere for serious study. I aced both Levels I and II. Mastery level*: around 35%.

Here’s the catch: I got too lazy to study more after acquiring my units. Practicing is hard because we speak a different language everyday. I started writing my diary in Japanese. It’s a good a idea but I can’t express everything in Japanese and it’s frustrating so I stopped writing the journal.

Two years later, my knowledge is below sea level. I recently printed pdf e-books about Japanese grammar and writing. Currently learning from scratch again with some help from my old textbooks and some friends.

�Learning is a continual process. One never learns enough. If you don’t practice a skill for a a long time, it will be deprogrammed in your brain.

Some still remember me as “the girl who can speak Japanese” and it’s confusing because I don’t know a thing about it at all. Well, it’s now time to sit on the thinking chair and re-study every single thing. It’s time to put extra effort to swim from below sea level to conversational level again.

Gambarushou~~!

*Mastery Level 1%-100%, being 70% as basis of mastered fluent speech; 100%, being artsy in speech and writing (like literary writers).

Posted as a reply to: Daily Prompt: Apply Yourself via Below Sea Level.

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