walkin' on sunshine

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Something I don’t want to talk about


I just can’t help it. My tears won’t stop. It wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried to close my eyes. It wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried not to think about it. It wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried to keep myself busy.

My tears would just stop when there are people around. It was easier to smile when there were someone watching you. It was easier to fool myself that I’m happy when I’m in the middle of a crowd.

Sometimes I do think that I’m wearing this smiling mask to spread happiness when deep inside me, something from deep within my core is missing. Maybe it started when my mother died. Maybe not. Maybe it was me all along. Maybe I was destined for this misery to balance out other’s happiness.

My past will always haunt me. I don’t want to talk or write about my past because it cannot be changed anymore. As much as I wanted to live in the present, people around me wouldn’t just let it go. That is why it’s hard for me to do so even when I know I should.

I do know that I was leading myself to destruction. I acknowledged the signs. I was not happy. I felt useless. I was doing something that slowly was taking every ounce of confidence in myself away at every single passing minute. I knew that I could do better if only I were given the chance. I know I’m not meant to memorize things and forget about them the next week. I know that it’s not what studying is, at least for me. I was looking for some sort of mental stimulation.

But they won’t give me the freedom to just write. My parents cannot accept that their daughter with the bright future would I would ever get bad grades. I decided to just stop studying and save up to pursue writing. They felt as if I was committing the biggest mistake of my life, that I did not try my best. Ironically though, I consider it one of my greatest achievements. I finally stood up for something I’m interested in, something that makes me feel alive.

At some point, I felt as if the hardest part of living is that you will have no body to state what your life goal is. You will have no body who will govern your life and still make you feel happy. You will have nobody but yourself to blame when you are not happy with your life. You hold the key to driving your life. You don’t take courses on how to swerve. You will just learn them when you need to. I did when I almost took my life.

Just as when I thought that giving up on my dreams will make everybody happy but myself, I received a message from a person who I never met (or will never meet because he’s from the other side of the world) telling me that he was proud of me. There went my unstoppable tears again but this time, they were of relief.

And I’m glad that every thing is in the past tense now.

Always,
– Cristina

Honestly as a writer, I don’t want to talk about the time I broke down and got nothing to do but to hug myself. Sorry for my vague descriptions. I want express myself through writing but sometimes, I express more than I should. Or could. This is different from other entries but I do hope that this would add up to my unheard of screams for more empathy in this world. I would never get enough of it. You’ll never know how a smile can mean to someone. You never know how a tap on the shoulder can save a life.

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An Ideal Friend


For many, the perfect friend would be someone who you can tell everything to, who will listen to you every time, who will be available whenever you need him/her, who would stand up with you even when the whole world is against you, who will pick you up whenever you are down, who will celebrate with you whenever you are up and who, most importantly will accept you for who you are.

Not for me.

An ideal friend is someone who has a different point of view, who would listen to me every time but would tell me what she thinks afterwards, who will tell you that he/she also has a life to attend to and will break his/her schedule only if it is really important, who would slap me in the face if I am totally wrong and tell me why others also think so, who will go to McDonald’s or Dairy Queen with me (not minding her diet) when I’m down, who will celebrate ordinary days with me, and most importantly may not accept every flaw I have but still stays because the friendship itself is important.

Friends are someone who have a totally different brain from another person or group of people but still manages to click and stay with each other through ups and downs. They wouldn’t tolerate you if you’ve done anything wrong but would do so with compassion. They may hurt you but they only would if it is for your own good. They would find time on their busy schedule just to talk to you but they wouldn’t compromise something really important to them if you are just playing around. They have their own goals and know the importance of their own lives.

A relationship needs truth to work out. It needs two or more different persons with sanity enough for them not to lose themselves in the process of getting in touch with other people. I don’t need someone who will always say yes to everything; I need someone who will speak the truth for me in everything. What is a friend if you expect him/her to act like a robot anyways? What is the essence of human contact if all you are looking for is comfort in everything? How would you grow in a hedonistic friendship in this imperfect world? A scar from a friend is more acceptable than words of comfort from an enemy hiding in sheep’s clothing.

What are you looking for in a friend?

Always,Cristina

P.S.I’ve posted my cover on Gone Too soon by Simple Plan for my Mum. You can listen to it by clicking this.

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feeling warmth in the cold


The coldest months of the year kicked in but still, warmth surrounds me.

At times, it feels like I’ve all been drained down and all I want is to quit all of this. I sometimes feel like the loser of the whole existense of men here on Earth. Crying is women’s most intense sort of expression but tears are often misunderstood so crying alone can be my greatest resort from all those stress.

BUT.

Even though I feel alone at times, I’ve got this group of people who believes that life shouldn’t be taken too seriously and that my biggest problem is other’s less serious dilemma. With TRUE friends, honesty, hugs and lots of true love are shared and so, a different kind of warmth radiates within you in the coldest times.

That is the warmth of the heart. ❤

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