walkin' on sunshine

whoa~! v(^u^)v

I’m Back (with an overanalysis)


I want to write about a lot of subjects, emotions, and scenes that even I don’t know how to start and mix them in a way that others will not see me as a nerd, or someone sweating about the boring stuff in life. Sometimes I kept pushing myself be better liked, only to realize that I’m killing myself in the process. Even though I am definitely who I am, I have the slightest hint of who I am, or who I ever will be.

And that is the problem.

It feels as if this life is a constant cycle of trial and errors and if you are gonna ask a math nerd like me, it’s a waste of time. How I wish that there will be a certain formula, a certain graph that will help me know what I am really like. It’s one of the greatest ironies of life, if you ask me. I wanted to know about me more. I can’t seem to figure out who I am, or where am I supposed to be.

Does it show how a control freak I am at some point? Is it that I always take time to find order on every mess I always faced? Is it that I always tend to look for something beautiful in something even though reality slaps me with something so ugly? Is it that I’m too insecure that I won’t ever admit something I despise just to fit in?

I am the epitome of the clichéd introvert who is trying to be more like an extrovert from day one. Is it always healthy to get out of one’s shell? Needless to say, I am fully aware that world’s advances were made by those who risked it all.

Do I risk putting myself out there by sharing more, and by staying true to myself who even I have the slightest hint of? Even if it is not of my nature? I know there are more serious world problems but how would we solve them if we won’t face the frustrations we have from within?

How can someone who don’t fit in share something? Will it help? Will it get noticed? I feel both powerful and vulnerable when I write. That is why I put my pen down for a while and slowly killed my voice, myself, and my future. After months of trying to figure out answers, I just felt the need to write, and here I am now, back to where my heart definitely is.

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Something I don’t want to talk about


I just can’t help it. My tears won’t stop. It wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried to close my eyes. It wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried not to think about it. It wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried to keep myself busy.

My tears would just stop when there are people around. It was easier to smile when there were someone watching you. It was easier to fool myself that I’m happy when I’m in the middle of a crowd.

Sometimes I do think that I’m wearing this smiling mask to spread happiness when deep inside me, something from deep within my core is missing. Maybe it started when my mother died. Maybe not. Maybe it was me all along. Maybe I was destined for this misery to balance out other’s happiness.

My past will always haunt me. I don’t want to talk or write about my past because it cannot be changed anymore. As much as I wanted to live in the present, people around me wouldn’t just let it go. That is why it’s hard for me to do so even when I know I should.

I do know that I was leading myself to destruction. I acknowledged the signs. I was not happy. I felt useless. I was doing something that slowly was taking every ounce of confidence in myself away at every single passing minute. I knew that I could do better if only I were given the chance. I know I’m not meant to memorize things and forget about them the next week. I know that it’s not what studying is, at least for me. I was looking for some sort of mental stimulation.

But they won’t give me the freedom to just write. My parents cannot accept that their daughter with the bright future would I would ever get bad grades. I decided to just stop studying and save up to pursue writing. They felt as if I was committing the biggest mistake of my life, that I did not try my best. Ironically though, I consider it one of my greatest achievements. I finally stood up for something I’m interested in, something that makes me feel alive.

At some point, I felt as if the hardest part of living is that you will have no body to state what your life goal is. You will have no body who will govern your life and still make you feel happy. You will have nobody but yourself to blame when you are not happy with your life. You hold the key to driving your life. You don’t take courses on how to swerve. You will just learn them when you need to. I did when I almost took my life.

Just as when I thought that giving up on my dreams will make everybody happy but myself, I received a message from a person who I never met (or will never meet because he’s from the other side of the world) telling me that he was proud of me. There went my unstoppable tears again but this time, they were of relief.

And I’m glad that every thing is in the past tense now.

Always,
– Cristina

Honestly as a writer, I don’t want to talk about the time I broke down and got nothing to do but to hug myself. Sorry for my vague descriptions. I want express myself through writing but sometimes, I express more than I should. Or could. This is different from other entries but I do hope that this would add up to my unheard of screams for more empathy in this world. I would never get enough of it. You’ll never know how a smile can mean to someone. You never know how a tap on the shoulder can save a life.

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Why do I love black? Let me count the ways.


I’m not a fan of trends. I don’t like to wear clothes that almost every one you see on the streets will wear. I think it comes with me, not wanting to conform with the norms, of me not wanting to blend in and lose my voice in the process. I feel as if I’m betraying myself, as if I’m trying to replicate Barbie and her plastic commercial smiles.

I’m not saying that trends are bad. There is a reason many would like to follow one. Or not. You might think that I think like an old woman but some trends just don’t make sense to me. Some of them would be Gangnam Style, Harlem Shaking, Owling, and Planking. If the next trend would be thinking, then it would save the earth a lot of trouble.

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Moving on, I do believe that one should dress for themselves, wear the clothes that make them feel perfect.  You don’t want to represent someone you’re not. If you feel confident about expressing yourself through your clothing, then you don’t have to worry about leaving false impressions on others. Besides, personality makes 60% of the outfit. You may be wearing the best outfit ever but if you don’t feel confident about it, your 40% advantage wouldn’t be that much.

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Everyday is a dress up day. I don’t wanna meet my prince charming/mortal enemy wearing something I’m not confident in. I feel comfortable when I wear black. It goes with my strange taste on music too, I guess. Or is it that I tend to find beauty in contrasts? I love bringing color to people’s lives that I prefer to represent myself as a shadow.

Aside from staying true to myself, one thing that I love to do with clothing is taking risks. Yes, style rules will take you a long way but defying these restrictions won’t mean that you will end up looking like a fool. Trust your instincts. Play. Have fun. It will make what you wear unique and waaay more interesting.

I’d like to leave you with one quote. I don’t remember its exact wording, even the one who said it but I believe that it’s still worth sharing.

“Fashion is expensive but style will take you everywhere.”

 

Always,
– Cristina

——

Anyways, here I am with my unorganized thoughts again. Please bear with me. I hardly had slept last night. My bed’s been calling me all day long. Two shots of latte made me at least stay functioning.

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A bittersweet thank you – a letter


Hey.

I don’t know if this letter will ever reach you but you’ll know exactly that this is written for you once you read it. I kind of hope that you will, at least. If you won’t, then I won’t feel bad about it. Right now, I just want to express how I feel about you, nah, I genuinely want to express how I feel about us and how we fell apart.

Well, I’d rather not express my side of our this story alone. I don’t want others to see my side of things and judge you just because of this short piece of electronic junk. I’d want them to hear from you too but that’s quite impossible. Given that even I can’t hear from you anymore. I don’t know where you are, how you are doing, and most of all, who you think of most of the time. I do think of you. A lot. And I want to just wrap my arms around you and say not a word.

Whenever I talk about you, I always get the “you really are a writer” remark. Why? Just so you know, you tend to sound fictitious. Or am I just so enchanted by how we met? You made me believe that reality could be better than fiction. Well, at least, I know now that reality is far greater than what my imagination could reach.

We would have passed as bestfriends. I’ve never met someone so different yet so relatable. We would talk on the phone from twilight till dawn even though we’ll meet anyways. We could even talk about not having anything to talk about! You would sing melodies that penetrate deep into my heart even on ordinary days. I’ve always thought that we should stay together.

BUT I WAS WRONG.

How could I miss the signs of trouble? Even my friends warned me about you. I didn’t listen because whenever I hear the sound of your voice, every single doubt just fades away. I was slowly drowning with every word and every beat of the songs you sang. I assumed that they were supposed to be sincere.

Logic was my thing. How have you made me believe that the right person at the wrong time could still equate into something positive? I was lost, so lost at what you said that night before everything fell apart. You promised. I forgot that promises are meant to be broken.

And now my heart is broken.

Regrets, regrets. Sometimes I wish that I would have never met you.

Time heals all wounds,” that’s what they always say. I saw you lately. I didn’t know if you catched a glimpse of me though. You were all alone or is it that whenever I see you everything at the background just blurs out? My heart’s into this weird Accelerando again.

I suddenly realized that today, as I am gradually building my life up, you might have been the right person in the past but I just have to keep moving forward. You are the one that got away and that I won’t let myself want you back.

I won’t point my fingers at you. I ruined my life. You may have been part of the chain but I am the one who let you to do so. I just can’t help but think of all the good things that was and smile. I haven’t wasted my time with you. All the time one wastes smiling is not wasted time at all. Well, unless you are into drugs.

Moving on is not easy. I know that it goes with everybody. You just can’t play with people’s feelings. You just can’t wake up and declare that you have long gone and are seeing the sun again. You can’t skip learning how to dance under the heavy rain without the protection of an umbrella. A wound will never heal if it’s always covered with a band-aid.

I have learned to hold on to you. I’m selfish. I’m not as kind as how the everyone might think I am. It’s like donating your favorite clothes to charity. You may survive without them but you’ll never forget the memories of how great they made you feel.

I’m letting myself loathe over what happened tonight. I’m letting this feeling eat me up so that when I flash smiles tomorrow morning, those would be genuine and not ones full of regrets. I wouldn’t want to rewrite the past because I’d learn that in this life, regrets will just destroy me. What I can do now is live in the present and carry lesser baggage in the future.

Before I wrap this pointless letter up, I’d like to thank you. Thank you for your last words, “you’re too nice for me.” Thank you for inspiring me to be nicer and let people know that the world may not be as bad as they thought it is. You’d inspired me to smile more, ironic isn’t it? You broke my heart to help me build myself again. For those things, I applaud you.

Sincerely,
Cristina

 

:)

🙂

posted as a reply to:
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/09/06/daily-prompt-turning-point/

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チーズ!I am Immortal – Habagat 2.0


Smiiiiiiiiiiiiiile!  v(^_______^)v

Why?

People who know me personally say that I smile ALL THE TIME these past few days. It’s because I choose to look for the brighter side of life. There’s always something colorful even while you’re under the rain. You just have to make a conscious effort to look for it. You should make it a habit too!

There's always something colorful even while you're under the rain. You just have to make a conscious effort to look for it. :)

This picture was taken when strong Habagat (Southwest Monsoon Rains) hit the Philippines last week. This smiling guy with the colorful umbrella walking in the middle of a national highway brightened up my mood!

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE: Smiles are contagious. It’s like an epidemic disease. You have the power to pass it to someone who then will pass it to someone else and that “someone else” will pass it to another person. Your smile then, can make a huge difference!

I am greatly hesitant to write about my experience with the Habagat last week. My struggle is nothing compared to people drenched up to their roofs. I don’t want to seem like bragging about my luck but I believe that some of my thoughts are worth sharing.

Let’s get this started!

Global warming is a serious issue. Mother Nature is mirroring our decades of cruelty back. I recommend that we should always…

  1. keep in mind what things we can do to help save our planet;
  2. make it part of our lifestyle;
  3. research, talk, write, sing, or even dance about the worldwide problem.

Year after year, there are out of the ordinary calamities striking different parts of the globe. One of these is the annual flooding of Metro Manila, Philippines.

I agree that we should all work hand in hand and make our city drainage systems clog-free. I know this sounds like what an elementary teacher would say but always make it a point to throw your trash in the right segregated trash bins. Whatever garbage we throw to inappropriate places will always find its way back to us. My village had been flood-free ever since this simple rule had been strictly implemented.

We should also prioritize reusable materials over non-biodegradable stuff we could use only once. Recycling is one thing but refusing to use articles like plastic bags is better. Less trash = less harm.

Growing greens will also help. A tree can provide enough oxygen for two people. It can also prevent landslides and flooding.  They can also serve as shade on a blinding summer day aside from the food they can give. Plants also look good and they make our surroundings come alive and fresh.

I can suggest all obvious solutions and write a boring blog all day but the damage had been done. We should just have to move forward and learn from it from now on.

On the flip side, what really struck me that unfortunate time was the willingness of people to help others. Major highways were heavily flooded and people with large trucks volunteered to help people get home for free. I rode one from Ever Gotesco Mall to Junction Cainta.

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View from the truck.

View from the truck.

I really salute people who gave their full efforts to help others without asking for anything in return. I am fully aware that I am selfish at times , especially when my resources are running low. These guys must probably be affected by the storm as well but they chose to lend a helping hand.

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waterproof folks

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people from different walks of life had united at this instant

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Yet another truck full of volunteers.

These men must be given their well-deserved honor. They didn’t care about the almost nonstop showers. It is at this moment when I genuinely understood at least part of the Tagalog word bayanihan. I just felt so proud and happy to live in a country where there is no “I” in catastrophe. We would rather laugh together on an unfortunate event than worry about ourselves.

well-deserved treat on a rainy day

well-deserved treat on a rainy day

I would like to end this post by asking you to smile. You are blessed even when you barely have something. There are folks who can still laugh when they have nothing.

Always,
– Cristina

PS

Excuse my writing style for now. I tend to jump from one idea to another without the proper transitions. My words are also redundant. It’s been a loooong time since I last wrote for my blog. I must get used to it again, I think. 🙂

Disclaimer: You might be fooled by my pictures.

  1. This is the flood-free elevated part of the highway where I stayed.
  2. I took the pictures with my phone when the shower stopped for five minutes. It’s impossible to do so while it’s dark and raining.
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