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Current Feels from a Heartbroken Soul


You were patient… So patient that you were able to break all the high and thick walls I have built around the center of my inner self – my heart.

It was so hard to believe that what was happening that time was real. Like how can you meet someone at a gig, someone who will look at you straight in the eye while performing, someone who is so scared of losing contact with you that one night you both have sang songs in a language you both don’t even speak fluently.

Like how can someone wait eight months for me to notice him?

At this point in time when a lot of things can be acquired and lost in an instant, when a lot of questions can be answered by typing on your smart phone’s keyboard or by asking Siri or simply saying “okay Google,” just how? How can that be not serious? How can that be fake? Like how?

You started to open up and shared your past. I saw how strong you are and how beautiful your deep scars made you. You are broken: that made you so exotic and I just can’t help but marvel at how such a beautiful soul can be enclosed in such a flawed body. There are parts of you that are severely broken.

I wanted to somehow make a difference. I always have believed that if you really want something, as long a you give the best of you and persevered enough, your efforts won’t be wasted.  It doesn’t always have to be  recognized, but it will still be worth it.

Because it was your best.

Because you wanted it so much.

Because you cannot deny that you love what you were doing.

I wanted to fix you, but I didn’t realize that it only will break me in the process until now.

They warned me about you but who cares, right? I know that you will never really will know a person unless you find out yourself. There are just too much prejudice and hate in the world, and I’m not one to buy this cheap culture. I believed you.

You are different, special, extraordinary. There’s this rush, this feeling like a kid entrusted with a map and a key to a hidden treasure box. You were my treasure and you were great enough to make me feel satisfied on days when I feel like giving up on all the drama this world has.

Oh, how I have fantasized about being with you every single day, growing old in our humble home. I don’t care wherever that is as long as you were there.

Ah, how I have thought of how wonderful my name will sound good once it got amended with your surname.

Andd, how our child will feel on my arms once I see him/her crying for the first time. What relief that will be after bearing our own child, taking care of him/her in my womb, wishing all the best for our child, the fruit of our love, the combination of God’s signature on our bodies: our DNA, our own footprint.

How wonderful will it be to work so hard for our family, for our child’s comfort, and most importantly for God’s glory?

However, all those carefully built plans seem to have been blown away by the devil and suddenly turned to ashes. How can I see the future now with this clouded vision?

I am lost, yet I was found.

It is painful. That afternoon you said goodbye was like a dream. I mean, how can you be so in love for a second then quickly turn around and leave? How? How can you just suddenly use the verb “love” in the past tense when referring to me?

Because I love you.

I still do.

And it hurts.

A friend told me that it really is hard to find sincere people nowadays that it really is practical to build adobe walls around one’s heart. While this is a sound and fair advice from a deeply concerned person, I just know I can’t do it. Why do I have to be unfair with possibly the right person by making it hard to reach me? No. It wasn’t his fault that what happened between us just wasn’t meant to last.

You are just a lesson now, a reminder that everyone makes promises with the best intentions, but only the few who keep them are people of integrity. I cannot hide my heart like I did to you before. It was unfair, and will never be fair for you or for anybody.

All the more, I am guarding my fickle heart not to dread and to crave your presence as I know all too well that you might promise another time. Each promise you break will only be additional fuel to hate on you.

The ironic part is that after everything that happened, I am surprised at how I can’t hate you. I can’t imagine myself hating you. It was not your fault that you have found someone else who might fit you better.

I’m just relieved that I now got past that stage when I was rewinding every single conflict we had, how I must just have agreed with you instead of firing our heated conversations. No, I don’t want to change it now. They happened for a reason. I might not grasp it perfectly now, but someday I will know why this didn’t worked out and never will soon enough.

I just hope and pray that you will be happy because you deserve to be. Well, we both deserve to enjoy life, even if it meant that I need to be single for longer than the 21 years I already was .

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the day I considered suicide


seriously, I thought about doing this?

Today is one of those bad gloomy days when the thought of the future is totally eating up all of my guts. I’ve been questioning what a complicated state of living life can be. Why are we even given the chance to live if we are all supposed to die anyway? Why do we have to feel happiness when most of our days we spend on emptiness? Today is the random day I considered suicide.

Hey, it’s not that I’m hating life, not that I hate the people around me, not that I’m in a gigantic emotional roller coaster. It just popped into my mind out of the blue; maybe because I felt so hellishly bored living. I just don’t know what I want in life. I don’t know why I’m did the things I did in the past, why I’m doing the things I’m doing today, and why do I have to continue doing this and still breathe for the next time units to come.

Tell me I’m crazy but in the past, while watching a drama on TV about a girl who killed herself, I came up with the best thing to do before ending your own life – make everyone hate you. That way, people will not classify your death a loss and will thank you for actually doing the act. So today, while having a mini debate in my head, I acted like an impossible girl: I just made everyone (except my granny and those not at home) hate me for existing on their life paths. Oh, just imagine their screams!

BUT.

While washing the dishes tonight, plotting the final details of my sweet escape, I realized I just can’t do it. Why are tears welling my eyes at the thought of poisoning myself late at night at the dirty kitchen? Why can’t I formulate even a single paragraph on what I will write on my last message? I totally am happy no one was looking at me then ’cause I’m pretty sure I looked crazy smiling while wiping off the tears running down my face.

Walking this earth is such a wonderful gift I couldn’t just throw away. Emotions are a bonus for us – it is the mark of really living, that our state of being is stirredEvery single feeling has its own color that, when put together paints us the spectrum of life and its complexities. Life is a masterpiece only God can create and that the bored person that I am can just lay awake on her bed in amazement of what she just thought of recklessly destroying.

Always,
signed, Cristina
7th of May, 2012
9:46 PM

P.S.

Who would agree to a person rejecting himself?

P.P.S.

I do believe that the thought of killing oneself is totally serious. Please help those, if you know anyone on the verge of doing it, to find the good in their lives. The act of living can be tiring at times but quitting is so not the solution – we just have to realize why we are here and make ourselves one of the reasons why others are still holding on to it. Cheers to life!

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Hey Summer, you can come a little later


Okay, this morning, as I was taking my shower, I realized that summer is just around the corner and …

I AM GAINING WEIGHT.

WARNING: This post is full of random thoughts and rants.

HELP!

Good heavens, how I wish that summer would come at least two months from now so that I’ll have enough time to lose some weight. It made me feel kind of sad, looking at my naked reflection in the shower mirror. It’s unfair. The season should have come last October, I got a really nice flat stomach from all those judo sessions me and my friends attended for PE. How am I supposed to go out of the sun, enjoy the beach, if I need to hide those unwanted fats? Why do I have to gain on this season when every one is flaunting their stuff?

Then, this question hit me: how do you know if someone is sexy? Is there even a rule, like some sort of exact definition of sexy?

No.

Then, I remembered this thing Camille, John, and I talked while having dinner last night – what do guys find attracting in a girl. According to them, most of the times (not generally), guys don’t necessarily look at the body of a girl in front of them. First thing they look at is the eyes, next, her hair, then the contour of her neck. Let me share my thoughts:

  1. Eyes. They are the mirror to one’s soul. Even girls look at a guy’s eyes first. I think there is just some mystery in one’s eyes that people can’t even describe. You’ll just understand it. No words, at all.
  2. Hair. Even girls obsess about their hair. A bad hair day, really is stressful to a degree only a girl would understand. It’s not that it’s even connected to the topic, was just saying.
  3. Contour of the neck. Okay, this is just weird. I think only you guys understand why it’s sexy seeing a girl’s neck.

Moving on, we girls can feel really great about our extra curves but girls really takes it seriously when guys call them fat. Believe me, she’ll starve herself just because of that random remark you didn’t say to make her feel down on the dumps. It makes a lot of difference when a member of the opposite sex gave that comment. It will repeat on her mind like a broken record.

It’s really frustrating, really because a girl will always think they are not an inch more beautiful compared to another girl unless, she is really certain she is a goddess. She’s less attractive to another of her kind except to that girl who flirts with her boyfriend or to that girl her recent ex is going out with. All because of your quick remark about her flab, you just certainly told her she’s waaaayyy unacceptable. Hey, we also got low self-esteem. Talk about perfection. We sometimes think you guys are just looking for Barbie-like girly girls.

Some deeper thought, and the nail hit hard. Why am I thinking a hell lot? Why think about what do guys find attractive in a girl, guys worst remark ever – I think you’re kinda fat, girl’s low self-esteem, and more. Why does my gaining weight have to be totally complicated? Genuine hotness can be seen even though one gains weight. It’s all in the eyes. You yourself should believe that every one’s not supposed to be perfect. Hot isn’t solely described as big bosoms, microscopic waist, and an equally big bottom with long, lean legs.  All I was thinking is Barbie and her plastic smile. I was insecure.

tell me, have you noticed my mismatching slippers so sudden?

Always remember this: an outfit is 40% clothes and 60% attitude. You can rock the world’s worst fashion combo ever by just putting confidence and making others  believe that it’s just gorgeous. Believe me, they will follow your lead. I’ve seen a really weird outfit combo on the magazine then, because of the way the magazine presented it as the ‘IT’ fashion of tomorrow, the next thing I know the other week is that every one’s wearing it.

summer lovin' last year

As I said earlier, “S-E-X-Y” is found in the eyes. People can still call you sexy even though you are armed with a lot of fats. You can make people think you are totally hot in the way you carry yourself. Your thoughts will be reflected in your mirror of the soul – your eyes. Your hot vibe will never be a secret. You will just have to believe it yourself first. Just imagine you are that model in the magazine advertising that weird fashion trend. At least, on this case, its more truthful, you really are hot, with or without extra fats.

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Today is Tuesday


Whatever. What’s so special about today anyways?

It’s almost evening and I can read/hear rants of people everywhere:
Today is just a normal Tuesday.
It’s Valentine’s and I ain’t got no boo.
Happy Independence day, everyone! Cheers to all the single ladies!
I’ve been dating with my studies.
That awkward moment when you rode a train full of lovers and you are alone.
Happy Halloween!

Why are people like that? Why so bitter on a day like this Tuesday? C’mon! Today isn’t just about couples. Today is a celebration of love. Love doesn’t just come from having a romantic partner around every Valentine’s. True love can be found in the family, true friends, and pets.

True love can be expressed in a lot of ways, it’s not about receiving chocolates, flowers, and gifts. You can share how you love a person through hugs, letters, kisses ( not necessarily on the lips, can be on the cheek, or on the forehead), or simply by just telling them sincerely that you love them.

Love warms the heart and it’s a such a wonderful feeling. Loving someone doesn’t mean that the other has to love you as much. Love isn’t conceited. Looking for a partner isn’t about searching for someone to take care of you. You yourself can do that! You shouldn’t even be looking for that! It’ll come naturally when it’s the right time to fall. Why rush things when it will only give you heartache? Who even enjoys breakups? 

When the right time comes, you’ll enjoy true love’s magic. You’ll be mesmerized by how you’ll feel because it’s nothing like the ones you felt before. It’s not just about the after-feel once you saw your crush smiling. It’s not about the electricity flowing all over your body whenever you held hands. It’s about sharing the  magic of being a human with a someone not even related to you but you know deep in your heart that your lives are magically intertwined from the start of your existence. It’s like having someone molded and made just for you.

Don’t rush love. It’ll only break your heart.
Don’t feel lonely in a sea of people who’s hugging and kissing and giving each other gifts. It’s a time to enjoy and improve yourself as you get ready for that enchanting moment that you’re finally gonna meet the right one at the right moment. Hey, you must work to be worthy of such an enchanting experience.

Why feel bitter if you are still single today? Look close. Love is all around you. You have a lot out there who cares for you as much as a boo can. People who will be there with you through the good and the bad. Why not celebrate today as a day that marks another year of your awesome lovely life being single, but still having people who loves you truly anyway?

For those couples enjoying today’s festivities, enjoy your sunrise to sunset! Make every moment memorable not just today, but share your love every. single. day.

May love be around us all today. Happy St. Valentine’s day! (yes, it’s not Independence day, or Halloween, LOL)

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Silence Screams at Me


People say silence is harmless. It does nothing.

But.

Silence is a loud scream. It is a powerful voice that resonates within us.

Every one has their own share of busy days full of noise that echoes through one’s life:

It’s those days when you’ll sleep at 3am doing tasks then wake up 5am prep up for the next sunrise-to-sunset. Those days were filled with voices of people telling you to do this and that. Days, when you were soo tired of the f*cking traffic that eats your time when it should be allotted to stuff that matters more. You feel restless, took a 30-minute power nap at lunch break. You’ll feel relived, feel energized just by that but still, something somewhere inside you feels restless of this day-to-day life.

If you think you “talk enough” but there still is this void inside you, sometimes, “talking enough” is talking too much. You are just using your vocal chords too much.There were times when all you need is the silent bench on that park near your house. A time to pause, a time to observe, a time to rethink, a time to internalize, a time to appreciate.

at the park, thinking about random stuff

at the park, thinking about random stuff

Have you gone to The Quiet Place? Try it. You’ll surely come back.

“A story is told as much by silence as by speech.”
-Susan Griffin

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