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Current Feels from a Heartbroken Soul

on 4 September 2015

You were patient… So patient that you were able to break all the high and thick walls I have built around the center of my inner self – my heart.

It was so hard to believe that what was happening that time was real. Like how can you meet someone at a gig, someone who will look at you straight in the eye while performing, someone who is so scared of losing contact with you that one night you both have sang songs in a language you both don’t even speak fluently.

Like how can someone wait eight months for me to notice him?

At this point in time when a lot of things can be acquired and lost in an instant, when a lot of questions can be answered by typing on your smart phone’s keyboard or by asking Siri or simply saying “okay Google,” just how? How can that be not serious? How can that be fake? Like how?

You started to open up and shared your past. I saw how strong you are and how beautiful your deep scars made you. You are broken: that made you so exotic and I just can’t help but marvel at how such a beautiful soul can be enclosed in such a flawed body. There are parts of you that are severely broken.

I wanted to somehow make a difference. I always have believed that if you really want something, as long a you give the best of you and persevered enough, your efforts won’t be wasted.  It doesn’t always have to be  recognized, but it will still be worth it.

Because it was your best.

Because you wanted it so much.

Because you cannot deny that you love what you were doing.

I wanted to fix you, but I didn’t realize that it only will break me in the process until now.

They warned me about you but who cares, right? I know that you will never really will know a person unless you find out yourself. There are just too much prejudice and hate in the world, and I’m not one to buy this cheap culture. I believed you.

You are different, special, extraordinary. There’s this rush, this feeling like a kid entrusted with a map and a key to a hidden treasure box. You were my treasure and you were great enough to make me feel satisfied on days when I feel like giving up on all the drama this world has.

Oh, how I have fantasized about being with you every single day, growing old in our humble home. I don’t care wherever that is as long as you were there.

Ah, how I have thought of how wonderful my name will sound good once it got amended with your surname.

Andd, how our child will feel on my arms once I see him/her crying for the first time. What relief that will be after bearing our own child, taking care of him/her in my womb, wishing all the best for our child, the fruit of our love, the combination of God’s signature on our bodies: our DNA, our own footprint.

How wonderful will it be to work so hard for our family, for our child’s comfort, and most importantly for God’s glory?

However, all those carefully built plans seem to have been blown away by the devil and suddenly turned to ashes. How can I see the future now with this clouded vision?

I am lost, yet I was found.

It is painful. That afternoon you said goodbye was like a dream. I mean, how can you be so in love for a second then quickly turn around and leave? How? How can you just suddenly use the verb “love” in the past tense when referring to me?

Because I love you.

I still do.

And it hurts.

A friend told me that it really is hard to find sincere people nowadays that it really is practical to build adobe walls around one’s heart. While this is a sound and fair advice from a deeply concerned person, I just know I can’t do it. Why do I have to be unfair with possibly the right person by making it hard to reach me? No. It wasn’t his fault that what happened between us just wasn’t meant to last.

You are just a lesson now, a reminder that everyone makes promises with the best intentions, but only the few who keep them are people of integrity. I cannot hide my heart like I did to you before. It was unfair, and will never be fair for you or for anybody.

All the more, I am guarding my fickle heart not to dread and to crave your presence as I know all too well that you might promise another time. Each promise you break will only be additional fuel to hate on you.

The ironic part is that after everything that happened, I am surprised at how I can’t hate you. I can’t imagine myself hating you. It was not your fault that you have found someone else who might fit you better.

I’m just relieved that I now got past that stage when I was rewinding every single conflict we had, how I must just have agreed with you instead of firing our heated conversations. No, I don’t want to change it now. They happened for a reason. I might not grasp it perfectly now, but someday I will know why this didn’t worked out and never will soon enough.

I just hope and pray that you will be happy because you deserve to be. Well, we both deserve to enjoy life, even if it meant that I need to be single for longer than the 21 years I already was .

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