walkin' on sunshine

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Goal 1: Cleaner Environment


Do you have those days when you are just so fed up of being fed up?

I have delayed a lot of tasks I needed to do, that, I can admit that I did all too well. There are days when I am just in autopilot, thinking that everything jwill still be the same tomorrow. No, it wasn’t, isn’t, and wouldn’t.

I will never be able to make a positive change if I will not start with the place I start and end my night in – my bedroom. 

I’ve been too caught up with unnecessary things, focusing on stuff that will give me temporary happiness – food, sleep, makeup, daydreams (without actions), and reading feeds of people arguing about small stuff on the comments section on Facebook. I can do so much more.

I feel super tired. I need to change. I’ll start with my room. I’ll clean up 30 minutes a day for one week and see how it will make a difference. I no longer believe in overnight changes, I know that I’ve got to focus on this one gradually first, then work on another goal next week.

Let’s see how it will go!

 

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Current Feels from a Heartbroken Soul


You were patient… So patient that you were able to break all the high and thick walls I have built around the center of my inner self – my heart.

It was so hard to believe that what was happening that time was real. Like how can you meet someone at a gig, someone who will look at you straight in the eye while performing, someone who is so scared of losing contact with you that one night you both have sang songs in a language you both don’t even speak fluently.

Like how can someone wait eight months for me to notice him?

At this point in time when a lot of things can be acquired and lost in an instant, when a lot of questions can be answered by typing on your smart phone’s keyboard or by asking Siri or simply saying “okay Google,” just how? How can that be not serious? How can that be fake? Like how?

You started to open up and shared your past. I saw how strong you are and how beautiful your deep scars made you. You are broken: that made you so exotic and I just can’t help but marvel at how such a beautiful soul can be enclosed in such a flawed body. There are parts of you that are severely broken.

I wanted to somehow make a difference. I always have believed that if you really want something, as long a you give the best of you and persevered enough, your efforts won’t be wasted.  It doesn’t always have to be  recognized, but it will still be worth it.

Because it was your best.

Because you wanted it so much.

Because you cannot deny that you love what you were doing.

I wanted to fix you, but I didn’t realize that it only will break me in the process until now.

They warned me about you but who cares, right? I know that you will never really will know a person unless you find out yourself. There are just too much prejudice and hate in the world, and I’m not one to buy this cheap culture. I believed you.

You are different, special, extraordinary. There’s this rush, this feeling like a kid entrusted with a map and a key to a hidden treasure box. You were my treasure and you were great enough to make me feel satisfied on days when I feel like giving up on all the drama this world has.

Oh, how I have fantasized about being with you every single day, growing old in our humble home. I don’t care wherever that is as long as you were there.

Ah, how I have thought of how wonderful my name will sound good once it got amended with your surname.

Andd, how our child will feel on my arms once I see him/her crying for the first time. What relief that will be after bearing our own child, taking care of him/her in my womb, wishing all the best for our child, the fruit of our love, the combination of God’s signature on our bodies: our DNA, our own footprint.

How wonderful will it be to work so hard for our family, for our child’s comfort, and most importantly for God’s glory?

However, all those carefully built plans seem to have been blown away by the devil and suddenly turned to ashes. How can I see the future now with this clouded vision?

I am lost, yet I was found.

It is painful. That afternoon you said goodbye was like a dream. I mean, how can you be so in love for a second then quickly turn around and leave? How? How can you just suddenly use the verb “love” in the past tense when referring to me?

Because I love you.

I still do.

And it hurts.

A friend told me that it really is hard to find sincere people nowadays that it really is practical to build adobe walls around one’s heart. While this is a sound and fair advice from a deeply concerned person, I just know I can’t do it. Why do I have to be unfair with possibly the right person by making it hard to reach me? No. It wasn’t his fault that what happened between us just wasn’t meant to last.

You are just a lesson now, a reminder that everyone makes promises with the best intentions, but only the few who keep them are people of integrity. I cannot hide my heart like I did to you before. It was unfair, and will never be fair for you or for anybody.

All the more, I am guarding my fickle heart not to dread and to crave your presence as I know all too well that you might promise another time. Each promise you break will only be additional fuel to hate on you.

The ironic part is that after everything that happened, I am surprised at how I can’t hate you. I can’t imagine myself hating you. It was not your fault that you have found someone else who might fit you better.

I’m just relieved that I now got past that stage when I was rewinding every single conflict we had, how I must just have agreed with you instead of firing our heated conversations. No, I don’t want to change it now. They happened for a reason. I might not grasp it perfectly now, but someday I will know why this didn’t worked out and never will soon enough.

I just hope and pray that you will be happy because you deserve to be. Well, we both deserve to enjoy life, even if it meant that I need to be single for longer than the 21 years I already was .

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On Promises


It is so frustrating when someone doesn’t keep their promises. You see, it is a matter of trust and integrity. Big or small, once said, those words can never be taken back.

The future is uncertain, but why do we even commit ourselves into something we are unable to accomplish?

I have been a victim of empty promises. Everybody else is. All the more, we have to also acknowledge the fact that are all promise breakers at some point.

  • Remember that work contact you signed? Remember how it made you excited to work and start anew? Then why are constantly coming into work late?
  • Remember that friend you vowed to spend more time with? Then why are you still planning the same holiday you were planning together since last year?
  • Remember that person you promised to spend your lifetime with? Where are you now?
  • Remember that promise you made with your family that no one gets left behind? Then why are you not talking to each other?

I guess, it is a matter of principle. People make promises with all the good intentions, but only people with integrity keep them. No one commits with the plan of breaking them, but when things get difficult, we all have the choice to either be true to our word or run towards the escape route.

The ball is on your side of the court now. Think about it. Why did you promise in the first place? Whatever it is, I hope that you will be happy with the outcome.

All the best.

– Cristina
Sunday, 30 August 2015

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A Child Lost in the Adult World


You know what’s ironic? No matter how I tell myself that things will change, there will always be those things that will be constant.

I have grown a lot, been through a lot, but still, I am me. I always have had a crush on my past self as she tend to think so differently. She is assertive, in love with arts, with expression, with inspiring others, with giving, with God.

I miss her.

Well, Karen from Notsalmon.com said that the first forty years of childhood is the hardest. I just realized that I’m the same child pretending for the longest time to have grown up as I age.

Given that, there’s no point in missing my past self because she’s right here, speaking to me. She may look different on the mirror, but she is still me.

I’m happy to have kept this blog because reading how the past me felt and thought of made me realize that I’m still the same kid living in the “adult world” I have dreamt about.

She had suicidal thoughts, time travel fantasies, overwhelming dreams, and most of all, a positive mind. She reminded me that being sad is okay. She isn’t perfect, but she had hope.

It’s like, the old me made all of the right and even the wrong decisions to make me better. All the more, I know that God is there, guiding me through the process.

I was lost, I may be lost again in the future, but He will always lead me back to Him. That, I am sure of. I am His princess, the prodigal daughter.

But that doesn’t mean that I should be lazy now. This inspires me to do better, not only for my past self, but for God’s plans. I want to embrace the future He is penning and saving up for me.

My life isn’t perfect, or may not be in this lifetime, but why should I be depressed of all that’s missing when there’s just too much to appreciate?

My post STOP made me sit for a moment and realize that I was looking too ahead of the future. All of those long-term plans, my future, my dream job, my life.

I forgot to breathe for a moment and appreciate all the mysteries behind the things I took for granted. It’s hard to live in the “adult world”. It’s just as hard to fit in.

However, I know that I’ll be fine. Life can be heartbreaking and complicated at times but I have God, and that’s all the guidance I need.

All the best.

Kind regards,

Cristina v 21.6.15
07:11 PM
18 August 2015

This dysmenorrhea is killing me. Cheers to being a woman, Ria.

This dysmenorrhea is killing me. Cheers to being a woman, Ria.

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Dear Past Self


Hey.

I am the recent version of you, updated 05:55 PM 4th September 2014.

I know that you will never get the chance to read this but I have always wanted to write you back. I re-read your letter every time I’m feeling down. It may seem pointless to write to someone in the past but this is the same old me, doing crazy stuff. You know me more than anybody else so you’ll surely understand why I’m doing this. I’ve been here for 20 years now.  I’m thankful for all the choices you made in the past. If you were not you, I will never be me.

Tell you what, these days, I just felt like I’m half alive. I’m a late bloomer. I just realized that I truly need to dream, to aim, or else my existence will be pointless.

I suddenly miss all of those things you used to do like studying, performing, painting, and writing – all the self-expression I was fearless of doing before. I felt as if I suddenly became lifeless, that all of your hopes went to waste. What have I done? You have trusted me so much.

What will I do with my youth? It’s not that I would live forever. I need to make something, not for everyone to remember me, but to at least have this sense of satisfaction that my existence will not come to waste. I don’t want to live this life as happy-go-luckily as I am doing at the moment.

Today, I will do my best to finally move. I will start on my little steps to accomplish something great in the future. I will pursue all of those items marked as “later” on my to-do list.
1. I will read that book, or watch that intriguing movie.
2. I will go to the amusement park alone again.
3. I will value my time more.
4. I will love myself more.
5. I will say the things I’ve always wished I’ve said.
6. I will be fearless to craft the things I’ve always wished I made.
7. I will learn to let go and move on.

I’m not saying that I can accomplish all of those in one go. I just want to be happy, you know, the sort that lingers. I wanted to get a sense of fulfillment, of giving my best on anything, of loving whatever I’m doing, of being myself, of expanding my horizon.

I know I have the endless possibilities my youth offers. I should not waste it. I have to live carefree. I have to loosen up. I have to stop being in the shadows.

You were great. Now, it’s my turn to be greater than what you imagined me to be.

Cheers,
Cristina
version 20.7.1
updated 06:20 PM 4th September 2014

PS
Attached is a picture of you. This was 2010. T’was one of my first trips to the university. You were both open and uptight.

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PPS
I will not print the picture out for you to lessen my carbon footprints. Better view it on the web, thank you.

 

 

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