walkin' on sunshine

whoa~! v(^u^)v

the day I considered suicide

on May 8, 2012

seriously, I thought about doing this?

Today is one of those bad gloomy days when the thought of the future is totally eating up all of my guts. I’ve been questioning what a complicated state of living life can be. Why are we even given the chance to live if we are all supposed to die anyway? Why do we have to feel happiness when most of our days we spend on emptiness? Today is the random day I considered suicide.

Hey, it’s not that I’m hating life, not that I hate the people around me, not that I’m in a gigantic emotional roller coaster. It just popped into my mind out of the blue; maybe because I felt so hellishly bored living. I just don’t know what I want in life. I don’t know why I’m did the things I did in the past, why I’m doing the things I’m doing today, and why do I have to continue doing this and still breathe for the next time units to come.

Tell me I’m crazy but in the past, while watching a drama on TV about a girl who killed herself, I came up with the best thing to do before ending your own life – make everyone hate you. That way, people will not classify your death a loss and will thank you for actually doing the act. So today, while having a mini debate in my head, I acted like an impossible girl: I just made everyone (except my granny and those not at home) hate me for existing on their life paths. Oh, just imagine their screams!

BUT.

While washing the dishes tonight, plotting the final details of my sweet escape, I realized I just can’t do it. Why are tears welling my eyes at the thought of poisoning myself late at night at the dirty kitchen? Why can’t I formulate even a single paragraph on what I will write on my last message? I totally am happy no one was looking at me then ’cause I’m pretty sure I looked crazy smiling while wiping off the tears running down my face.

Walking this earth is such a wonderful gift I couldn’t just throw away. Emotions are a bonus for us – it is the mark of really living, that our state of being is stirredEvery single feeling has its own color that, when put together paints us the spectrum of life and its complexities. Life is a masterpiece only God can create and that the bored person that I am can just lay awake on her bed in amazement of what she just thought of recklessly destroying.

Always,
signed, Cristina
7th of May, 2012
9:46 PM

P.S.

Who would agree to a person rejecting himself?

P.P.S.

I do believe that the thought of killing oneself is totally serious. Please help those, if you know anyone on the verge of doing it, to find the good in their lives. The act of living can be tiring at times but quitting is so not the solution – we just have to realize why we are here and make ourselves one of the reasons why others are still holding on to it. Cheers to life!


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